Kitty Thoughts

-Screaming at the can of food will not make it open by itself.
-Leaping from the very top of the condo onto the curtain rod makes my human very annoyed with me. If I do it, I will get a time out, squirted with The Water Bottle Of Death and yelled at.
-If I'm trying to hide behind the window shade so no one will see me (and I'm all clever for hiding behind the window shade, ya know) I shouldn't let my tail hang down.
-I must perfect a death stare to give my human every time I am disturbed. )
-If I vomit on the carpet after overeating yet again I must stand up and walk away without the slightest hint of a care.
-I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
-If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
-The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.
-If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
-I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing (especially right after my human has finished watching "The X-Files").
-Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
-No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys.
-If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.
-My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.
-The cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.
-I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.
-I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.
-It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee.
-The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.
-If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.
-I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
-The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it.
-If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.
-Even though I hear voices in my head, I do not have to answer them.